Photograph

Dear you-know-who-you-are-though- you'll-never-read-this

I hope youre happy and you know now what it feels like to be in love. I cannot be bitter towards your change of heart about the fact that you didn't want to date people. I guess a couple of months is enough to change perspectives. We haven't talked for a while. This has been the longest break between us since we started talking. I'm pretty sure this break is going to continue till either of us gets super drunk and finds themselves in the wrong city. 

I will not tell you that I miss you this time around. If you know me, you already know that I do. I think of you sometimes, it's not that often anymore but I do. In a couple of days it'll be I think 8 months since the day I told you I was in love with you and it all went to batshit. Still we managed to have our good moments. I will not tell you that I love you this time around either because a) the fact hasn't changed b) I can imagine it's a really burdensome statement for you and c)  you have her and I do not deal with claimed lovers.

I have lost count about how many times I've said that it's okay so I won't tell you again. I hope you know I still mean every good thing I said to and about you. 

I know that teenage love is sort of a joke. That it's evanescent. But I still write poems about you some times. I think that any love is worthy of being called true. You can only describe love the way you know right then. What you think is reality at that moment. (This makes no sense at all, does it?)

Now you're wondering why I called this "Photograph". I have an extremely cheesy answer for that too. Please forgive me.

I scroll through my gallery quite a lot. I only have a couple of pictures of us from December. Those too are a mess and the epitome of imperfect. In those photos our eyes never close on each other. They're playful. In those photos my heart wasn't fully wrenched. In those photos, time's forever frozen still. Do you see what I'm referring to? Bingo! Ed Sheeran. I hear the song here and there and it brings dry tears to my eyes. Dry because it does make me want to cry but I never do because I know it's pointless. That song never meant something to me until recently. It was always a beautiful song but it was never painful. 

But do not grind your teeth thinking that you cause me pain. I inflicted this onto myself. Maybe I was/am too in love. Maybe I held you to a made-up ideal. This whole post is going to hopefully seem like a cringe fest in a year or two but I wanted to tell you that even though you never end up choosing me, I don't blame you. I want to. But I can't. Because you never promised me anything. You just thought out loud to me. 

My main motive for writing this open letter is to let you know a couple of things. 
1. I will never hold you accountable
2. I hope I contributed in making you into a better person, I don't mind the smallness of my contribution. 
3. I hope I helped you somewhere somehow, even if it's in the most minimal way.
4. I hope you keep the material things that I gave to you. And that you re-read my letters/notes though I hope that's rare. 
5. I hope you're happy
6. I hope you know it's okay that you couldn't give me you.
7. I will not try to get back into your routine or your life because we always end up at the same place.
8. I still love you, but do not let that sound desperate because I am anything but a pity case. I do not need your pity.
9. I will never regret you, even when I fall out of love with you.
10. I'm okay even when I seem like I'm not.  

xx
Phangurl

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