Definitely, Maybe 2.0

This is the second time I'm typing this out. The first draft is still unposted. I don't think I'll ever make it public tbh. Anyway I just wanted to vent for a bit if that's fine by you.

First off, it's been a while hasnt it? I missed you all (by all I mean the 3.7 people who read this blog but anywho) 

Now to the topic of today's irrational rant, my love life or lackthereof. I'd like to start off by saying that I am a good person (not boasting, just facts) I take care of everyone around me. I make sure they feel loved and cherished and special. I try my best to be the best to everyone I know. I don't normally feel the need to get anything in return you know but sometimes it just feels I'm doing it all in vain. I'm 16 and I know I'll probably laugh at this post in a year but right now I just have a heavy heart that needs healing. 

i. The first guy I ever actually felt truly for, was a huge jerk. He was all about basic gratification and never really gave me anything other than emotional abuse for like almost three years. He treated me like shit, behaved like he owned me and then turned it all on me saying that I thought too much. He never showed me any emotions and when he did, he'd take em back the next day saying that he wasn't thinking straight. He broke me over and over and I kept going back because of god knows what. About a month ago, I finally got out of that hideous cycle. I fucked that fucker up and boy did all the anger come pouring out. He still wouldn't accept that he was wrong. He said that he was "scared of getting hurt" and that he wanted to see if I was "worthy of him". BITCH IMMA TELL YOU WHO IS WORTHY (pardon my French) I just gave up at that point. There was no hope in making him understand. He was never going to get it so I just said I was done and I never contacted him again. He tried texting a couple of times after that but I deleted his texted without even opening them. He did teach me how to stand up for myself though. That's the only think I'm thankful for. He taught me how the world was gonna treat you the way you let it treat you. Now I compare every bad thing to him and suddenly I get this sense of strength saying "You got through that, this is child's play for you."

ii. The second guy I thought I loved... well I don't know where he is anymore. I haven't talked to him for a year. I never got closure from that relationship. Things just sort of decided themselves. I'll not get into too much detail as now I'm in a dangerous need to know basis territory. 

iii. The third guy I had a crush on, *thank god it was just a crush* He just wasn't ready to be with anyone. I don't have any hard feelings for him, I still talk to him all the time. It's all chill. He doesn't really belong in this list tbh, he's just kind of an honourable mention.

iv. Now this guy, he is the one who lead me to write this post (twice to be fair) I don't know if this is love but this is the most in love I've ever felt. (CHEESE ALERT IM SO SORRY) And well as you can already make out a pattern in unfortunate events, you guessed it right, he didn't work out either. He told me he wasn't sure about anything. That he didn't want to hurt me. That I deserved more than him. I don't know what to think really. I know he doesn't like me (or at least that is what he thinks) but deep down I have this gut feeling that he's just scared. Scared of hurting somebody by not being good enough. He's all that I write about lately. It's frightening how much my words convey without even me knowing. i never knew how in deep I was till the time I started writing about him. He was trying so hard to get me to stay, offering me consolation "deals" on dates that wouldn't pan out. He didn't want to have me, didn't want to let me go. To be really honest, if I were the girl I was last year, I would've taken those "deals" but now, I just wanted security if that makes sense. I wanted to have something real for once. He had no idea how much I'd been hurt before. He didn't know that he actually couldn't outdo the guys that preceded him. I made him think why he was trying so hard. Turns out he was just trying to save a friendship. We don't talk now. I wanted to save myself from the torture of speaking to someone I had fallen head over heels for, knowing I wasn't ever going to get anything back. I know he'll get it one day, when he's in love with someone who can't love him back. I hope he doesn't blame her. I don't blame him either. (or at least I know I shouldn't)

v. The rebound. I do like him, it's just that I don't see much happening here. We only have maybe two things in common. He is a party boy so he goes out alot which isn't really my cup of tea. He's just a way of distracting myself long enough that I don't think about the other issues that the males in my life have created. He doesn't belong on this list either. He's a sweetheart, I guess we just don't go together. 

~~ I don't know what I do wrong if you ask me. Am I just not the girl you'd fall in love with? Am I just the girl who is one of your homies and you don't think twice about it? These are general questions I ask myself time and time again. How many times do I need to get torn up before I don't feel it anymore. I'm not even in pain, you know. I've just grown so used to things not turning out the way I want them to that now, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good to be immune to hurting. I don't know anything at this point. All that I've written is quite useless if I think about it. I'm only young. I have a long way to go. I'll find someone when it's the right time but as of now, I'd be lying if I say I'm alright. You know what the twisted part is? I don't have any hope for no.iv but deep down I think I'm still hoping he'll choose me. Someday, definitely. I mean, maybe. 

That's all there is in my mind right now. A couple of insignificant events in my perfectly ordinary life. Love doesn't define anyone to be fair, I'm not gonna let it define me either. But talking about it makes things seem easier for me. I'm sorry if you cringed through all of that. I know this is quite the shitfest. I didn't tell you anything informative, insightful or intellectual. But here's a piece of my heart, I hope you liked the show. Till next time this is me signing off. xoxo

PS. if you check above the header, you 'll see I added my Instagram page here as well so feel free to check that out :) oh and forgive any typos and grammatical mistakes.


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