Are We In The Clear Yet?

I don't even know where I'm going with this to be honest but I feel like I need to write something or else I'll just sit in my corner eating ice cream and watching re runs of Pretty Little Liars. 



So lately...no...um...in the past couple of weeks, I've been going though the entire cycle of emotions. I start the day happy, then go into Yoda mode (preaching and shiz), then into this crazy fun chick, then into someone who thinks about every stupid thing she's ever done, then happy again and sometimes being an emotional wreck also finds it's way into the cycle. I don't know how this works but that's how almost every single day goes. I'm not complaining here because there is nothing to complain about. Everything is going my way, great friends (with the occasional ones who suck me into their mess), loving parents, and even school is hella good. But then why the hell am I just fine not hella good? 

Let me update you on what's been happening:

1. One on my friends is going through a lot of stuff. She used to cut before but I managed to talk her out of it. Her ex-bestfriend (or should I say, Satan) has been tormenting her ever since she ended their friendship because of reasons that are not mine to tell. I have to counsel her every single day for at least and hour to give her hope that this will end and she will get through this. Helping someone through depression is not easy. It takes a toll on you. It makes you mentally exhausted. 

2. This guy that I consider a very close friend has recently broken up with his girlfriend and he has made it my job to help him get over it. We talk about such random shit that even Spanish telenovellas would shy away from us. And to make things even more confusing he sometimes goes into rebound mode and flirts or gets me emotionally invested. Trust me, it's not easy to ignore texts like "Promise you'll always be there for me? <3" or "You know, you are a 10/10. I'm not even kidding <3" or I could say that "this show is so awesome" and he would text back, "You are awesome <3". Seriously. I get good night texts and I was not kidding when I put those hearts there. Those are really quoted. Well.. I won't go down that road. I enough him well enough to not take those texts seriously but it makes me feel wanted (romantically) and it sends me into hyper activeness. 

3. Two of the girls who boycotted me last year (do you remember that? Gosh that seems like a lifetime away) recently apologized and I don't know whether I should trust them or not. They were great friends of mine but once that trust is gone... you know what I mean. I just can't stop thinking that they want something from me. 

4. And well, I'll add something about Brandon too. Not because it's hovering in my mind but because it was requested by one of the readers. To be honest, I don't know what we are. We're not strangers but I fell like we aren't friends either. We are distant but not that distant. I have no clue where we stand. We have started talking again but it's not the same. It won't ever be till we figure out a way to get past all the drama of the last two years which is nearly impossible as his group of friends are what caused the drama in the first place. So I guess we'll just meet each other when we're like 25 (hypothetically ofc.) and maybe. Just maybe we would have forgotten enough to give it another go because right now, just the sight of him takes me back to the crying and screaming which I do not want. But talking to him has been kindda good too. It feels... fresh so I don't want it to stop either. 

Can a person feel everything at once? Can you? Because I can and it's not a good feeling but it's not bad either. Most of the time I feel like I'm on the top of the world. Happy and carefree but sometimes, in those tiny gaps in my happiness, I feel that I'm completely lost, in a good way but I just want to be in the clear. I just want to find me and find someone to find me with me. 

Till next time, this is me signing off! xoxo 

P.S.  My story is now 12 chapters long. Fiona is almost in UK! If you wanna check that out, click the link right here!  An Ocean Too Far

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