Reflections
I don't know where to start. I truly do not. I finished high school, I'm halfway through college. I imagine this moment would have been unfathomable to 2014 Shreya. I guess I should start with filling you in on the major events in my life so far.
I am not friends with even half the people I knew when you last heard from me. In fact, I can only name a couple that have stayed with me since then.
I fell in love again, no surprise there. I fell in love harder than I ever had before and that's saying something. It felt as if all my pieces fit into one another and this was the "happy ever after" anyone could ask for. He was my first kiss, my first time, a lot of my firsts actually. We had a magical year, even if we did go through a rough patch. In words of Swift, I really thought I had found the king of my heart, body and soul. He showed me dreams too good to be true but as it always goes, the bubble burst, and he went his own way. I doubt I will hear from him again, except maybe a curt wish on a birthday but that too is dubious. I was heartbroken for a long while - I still somewhat am. The strength it took to bury memories and moments was immense. The time it took for me to grieve and accept that he was gone.. eh. But I'm doing okay now. I know better now.
I aced my boards but didn't get the uni I wanted. Maybe it was for the best seeing how the pandemic has taken over our lives. Being away from home and then having to get used to being home all the time is a tough job I would imagine. The college I go to now isn't bad honestly, it's actually one of the best in the region. I enjoyed going there, it's green and open, the teachers are great. I should probably tell you what I'm studying oops. I am in the psychology honours programme and I'm also getting an advanced diploma in Interior Design. Hopefully, I will get out of here soon, I'll be applying to unis abroad next year, cross your fingers for me.
I just noticed I make a lot of running sentences with a lot of commas, yikes. Sorry.
I travelled alone for the first time this past winter. It was an exchange program in South Korea. 6 weeks of pure excitement and, well, calmness. I went there broken and came back fixed. I was utterly at peace. I was myself and I did what I felt was right without thinking much. I can make a whole other post about it but I won't because that will sound boastful. Boasting doesn't pass the vibe check in 2020 honey. I will get a tattoo demarking the trip, I would've already but everything shut down right after I got the time to breathe after coming back. I think I want to get a tattoo for all places I go to that leave an impact on me. I do recommend listening to this album. and this song. They send me right back to the streets of Seoul when I listen to them.
Through the things that have torn me to pieces, I have come out the other side even softer and kinder. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, and I flinch when men compliment me, not out of disgust or being bothered but rather an incessant fear. A fear of ulterior motives and a fear of people saying things they will never or didn't ever mean. But I don't let it affect my self worth as much I used to. I have done my best to find validation from my own being. Which brings me to my next point.
The most important thing that has happened to me is that I have become a better person. I have become more confident in myself. I don't hate the way I look, in fact, I do think I look quite pretty actually (young me would self combust if she saw this self-praise). I have come to realize I'm worth much more than I first believed. I am more than my little pieces. The whole is worth more than the parts. I have found people I trust and who trust me, people who never fail to keep me on track and away from a self-destructive spiral. I have learnt to deal with my anxiety and I have learnt to deal with people who make me want to flip a table.
I won't make this post super fancy with lots of quotes because honestly, I can't be bothered. I have grown past trying to make something look deep when it isn't. None of this is deep. This is just me and my very inadequate account of the past three years. But I will leave you with this,
Even though I have so much more to see and so much more to do. Even though I have many more heartbreaks and beautiful things to experience. Even though I am nowhere near the person I will be 5 years from now. I do know this - I was a girl when I started this blog, I am a woman as I log off today, that much I am sure of.
With much love and affection,
yours truly,
S
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